Prayers needed please: parenting teens- the struggle is real, yo!

Oh goodness!! I'm not sure I'd even be able to type, given your situation. You're amazing! I don't have any advice except to say that I honor you for what you're going through. Hang in there!

 

I have no suggestions since I don't have any teens yet, but I feel for you! I dread the teenage years...

 

Oh, wow. We never had to go through that with my kids. You'll definitely be in my prayers as you figure out what to do.

This also means that I don't have any direct advice, but some potential resources for the long-term.

My sister gave me a book called Parenting with Love and Logic when my kids were born. The basic premise is that you allow your children to fail, but you also put parameters on them by giving them, say, a choice of one of two options - with no other options available, and for we as parents to follow through with reasonable discipline (easy example - they forget homework, you don't bring it to them. They'll need to bring it the next day and figure out what to do with their teacher). They also have a book called Parenting Teens with Love and Logic (https://www.loveandlogic.com/catalogsearch/result/?q=parenting+teens+with+love+and+logic), with adaptations for teens. I highly recommend it. The link brings you to their site with more information.

The other would be Kirk Martin/Celebrate Calm. I heard him speak a few years ago, and he's amazing. He and his son travel the country to speak at schools, etc. They are very down to earth, they listen, and have very practical advice. You can sign up for emails with a bit of advice, tips, and speaking engagements. Their CD sets are amazing - very empowering with practical advice. I highly recommend them. http://www.celebratecalm.com/

Hugs going out to you!

 

Have you thought about contacting the officers to see if they'd be willing to talk with your kids, or even to see if they have any advice for you? It's just a thought.

 

My oldest is 24 (she was TOUGH!) and I currently have 3 teens. I think cause and effect is an important lesson for them. Not only the natural consequences (my brother was picked up shoplifting once and my parents let him sit in jail overnight), but also NOT protecting them from the full force of the consequences. Also creating an environment that teaches them personal responsibility for their choices. IMO it sounds like you're on the right track with the loss of privileges and devices. I think for me, also, removing the crazy emotion from it is key. For some reason, if I react "big" it somehow diminishes their culpability (in their own eyes)...for some reason my emotional response distracts from their responsibility for their actions...I don't know how to explain it exactly. Anyway, ramble ramble....GOOD LUCK! Mindful parenting is one of the hardest things in the world, I think.

 

Is there anything going on --- some kind of crisis or big change --- that both of them would be acting out about? Especially if this is the first time they've both done something like this, I would suspect something else is happening that they are reacting to. If not, I would wonder if this is only the first time that they've been caught but not the first time that they've done it.

Why was the sneaker sneaking out? Was it to meet up with someone? Was it to go someplace not allowed? Was it for the thrill? That would affect what I would do as punishment.

How is the rest of their lives going? Are they doing well in school? Do they have a good circle of friends that you know & like? Are they involved in and doing well in extra-curricular activities?

I think you should start by speaking with each of them one-on-one & asking why they did it. Really listen to what they say, and don't interrupt to scold or give them a reason or excuse. Just sit quietly and listen to what they say and what they don't say. Allow there to be an uncomfortable silence vs. speaking to fill the silence and see if their real reasons come out after whatever their first excuse or justification is.

My punishment(s) would depend on what they said their reasoning was + how they were doing in life otherwise + their personality & way of handling stress & crisis.

 

Oh gosh! Hugs to you! Parenting teens is hard! We haven't dealt with anything like this yet (mine are 15 and 16), but they have given me some good scares. Like the week my son wasn't necessarily doing anything "bad"... just strange, very uncharacteristic things for him or any time he starts with a new group of friends I don't really know. My daughter is currently too busy with dance to get into much mischief.

I second Jan's (@QuiltyMom) suggestion of Love and Logic. We also used it from the beginning. I haven't read the teen book, but we have been using the money management suggestions from the book.

I also agree with @dancingJaye about keeping the emotion down... the more I yell, the more my son yells and the more defiant he becomes. Sometimes I can't help it... but I know I get further if I stay calm.

And as @LeeAndra mentioned... finding out the "why" is key. In our case, my son's week of weirdness was due to a fight with his then girlfriend.

Good luck with it all!

 

I know all the questions Why? HOw? and a million ways to finish those questions.
Prayer and solace in my Savior, Jesus Christ is what my husband and I have held onto on those late night calls.
and
I know when I have remained calm, it completely threw my kids. They had scenarios all in their head, how we would react. The calm is a good one,and keeps you from regrets.
hugs and more hugs from a mom living this too...and it hurts so deep

 

When you do talk to them, take them out (separately) for an ice cream cone and take a walk, even if it's freezing cold outside (the ice cream won't melt!) You're not in your house so you're on neutral turf. You're eating ice cream(!) and it shows you're not THAT mad at them if you're buying them a treat. By walking you're not sitting face to face, which can be intimidating, and it gives them a chance to move around without squirming. Ask your question(s) and patiently wait for an answer, even if it's minutes in coming.

If going out won't work, just sit on the couch together, not looking at each other as you talk. It's the way I always talked with my son, and it always worked.

 

This is a lot of the thinking behind Love and Logic. That's why I love the book so much.

 

Sounds like you've got some great advice in this thread (and I'm storing some of it away for myself if and when the time comes for me to deal with this teenage drama...mine are 11 and 14 now). Hugs!

 

^^^This is, unfortunately, so true.

@KayTeaPea Kelly, I'll pray you keep the strength, grace, and peace necessary to deal with this and I'll pray that your teens learn from their actions and use whatever consequences come as reason to act appropriately in the future.

 

I'll echo a lot of what has already been said. Stay calm & invade their space. It is your home, don't let a door be slammed in your face. Step right in & be near them. Sometimes we pull away & isolate when what we really want is comfort. If it means you're going to sit & read a book in their space just to be close, then so be it. The kid with the best friend breakup, that is so hard. I've been through that a few times, even as an adult it hurts. I think understanding that they were both acting from a place of wanting to belong is so important. Invite that friend over that the kid went to meet. Home is safe, home is loving, home will always be there, even when you mess up.

 

Oh Kelly. Hugs, and more hugs. We are going through a rough patch with my 8 year old (not even teen yet!!!) and I was at my wit's end yesterday! Reading all of this advice has helped me, and knowing that others have issues with their kids make me feel less embarrassed and less alone! For that, thank you!

So far, we have been the removal of devices, TV, and other privileges. He missed his best friends birthday party, and has to do additional chores around the house. We also try to discuss poor decisions and the outcome of the decisions. Since our issues started at school, we asked that the principal, and vice principal both speak with him, and I think that made a huge impact. I think the idea of the police speaking to them again might help in the same way.

I have hope. I will be sending you positive thoughts, and parenting hugs!

 

I have a child who was a very difficult adolescent and is still challenging as a college student although we, and he, have seen a 1000% improvement. What helped him turn the corner was counseling for him. We made sure he had control- he decided how much to share, when we were allowed to participate, etc. It gave him the space he needed to problem-solve solutions and set boundaries, figure out what were the root causes/influences on his behavior, and develop appropriate responses to stress. The most difficult barrier we ran into was finding the right match in terms of his needs and the counselor's personality/techniques. I did phone interviews with several and chose one that I thought would be a good match for him. Counseling was a non-negotiable, and if he didn't actively participate, then he lost phone privileges, etc. After the first session, he thanked me for finding that particular counselor. I can't describe the difference it made for him. If the issues continue, you might consider having one or both see a counselor.