There is the constant reminder, trying to get bullies, or those who post online maybe a bit harshly, that behind the pixels and text, is an actual REAL person who has real feelings, their own story and their own battles. Whether people soak that in and realize it is one thing, one can only hope. But I think in all of that, especially in the sense of here, where we try to create a fun, peaceful and positive community, we are HYPER aware that people have feelings and we do our best to insure that what we say isn't offensive (unless we mean it to be) and we are hyper aware of how context and feelings behind how something is said in real life vs text can come across and do our bests to backtrack and explain if something goes wrong. We spend all that time making sure we don't cross THAT line... that I think in a way we forget the fact that WE are humans as well. WE matter too and we need to take care of ourselves along with everyone else. I know I'm not alone at night when brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, I do a mental checklist. Did I make sure the kids brushed their teeth, did I miss anything important, did I do what I said I would, did I make sure something is thawing for dinner tomorrow in the fridge, etc, etc, etc... Inevitably in all of that, I find something I missed. Tonight's frustration was the realization that I never put up the clothes in the bathroom that I told my teenager I would, two days ago. Then of course, IT began. The berating of myself mentally. The going through all the OTHER stuff I didn't do and should have. Why am I not better? Why didn't I talk with this relative/friend like I should have? Why can't I just get things right? That is incredibly damaging and I know it but I still do it. I catch myself, it's a practice I've been in for a many a years. Took me 36 years to stop hating myself and believing things I was told in my past, WHY oh WHY would I keep doing things I had done to me when I KNOW it was wrong and had caused me all the damage I've been struggling to get past? Because saying "Just stop being negative to yourself! Appreciate yourself!" is nice in theory, but it doesn't work. We're goal oriented. We need a WAY to do things. Luckily this method came in handy and I'm hoping a few of you will start as well. YOU, reading this. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are also VERY human and make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with you. So. Every time you have a negative thought, you need to come up with two positives. This is imperative. It's hard to get into the habit, and you'll be struggling at first. You'll convince yourself there is NOT two and think and think and won't find one.. .. at first. It gets easier. I used to write it down on a notebook paper. I had two columns and of course, the negatives were every other line to allow for the second positive. I struggled, I raged, I broke a few pencils, told myself using psychology on myself wouldn't work. (yeah, I studied a LOT of psychology books during lunch break at school because I was a library aid the period before.. I wanted to see why I was broken and why my parent didn't want me, I figured the answers were there..) Eventually, I just wrote down "this paper isn't wrinkled." Just to get another positive. I kept at it. Soon I was writing down two positives immediately and saving the three or four others for the next bad thing. I do it mentally now, sometimes resorting to writing when the day is really really bad and I've run out of spoons faster than I should. Every time my kids have a rough day, I make them to the same. They tell me every single bad thing that happened in their day and each negative I make them recite two positives and then we move on to the next negative event. It's helped all of us, and I'm hoping it might help someone else. There are so many amazing people here and it hurts my heart sometimes to see "Ugh, I didn't do this, I'm so stupid!" or "I hate when I don't do this!" or other similar things. If try this out and you find yourself struggling for a second positive, write down "Serena wants me to succeed." Because I do, and because you can.
I think for some reason most women are harder on themselves then men.....? I just love how you keep a notebook, what a wonderful idea! Your start of 'this paper isn't wrinkled' is brilliant! I just was getting on myself for as I was cleaning the kitchen from last nights dinner.... why didn't I do this last night!!!?..... and had to remind myself it was my husbands birthday and we were home alone and as soon as dinner was over he wanted to go and watch some Homeland so the dishes got left. That is what is important! Our quality time to spend together! ........................................................................................................... it's not what you gather, but what you scatter, that tells you what kind of life you have lived -Helen Walton
Oh my goodness, you could be talking about me! My Son-In-Law refers to it as a guilt driven lifestyle. Just last night, my daughter discovered her ff milk that she uses in her protein drinks was off. I'm the one in charge of keeping everything we use on hand. I hadn't been to the store yet this week to pick up a spare and the one she had open had an expiration date of 4/25, so I thought I was safe. I offered to run down to Target to pick up some real quick, but she said that wasn't necessary. Long story short, I should have just gone because I've felt bad about it since, lol! You are so right, why oh why do we do these things to ourselves?
I think that's a wonderful idea! I've always told my kids to acknowledge the struggles, the negative feelings, the insecurities and frustrations and then.....think of something good, something to be taken from the experience to help in the future, to make you stronger. I am a firm believer in thinking positive, making lemonaid out of lemons.
And here I thought that guilt drive was something only we southen' gals inherited along with ya'll and grits Back when, I was complaining to my talk therapist that I was having no luck starting a good habit I'd decided I wanted (no clue what now). She looked at me then softly suggested I list all the habits (aka bad destructive coping mechanisms) I was trying to change at that moment in time. I about choked at the size of that list, lol. Three decades of bad habits ...no wonder I couldn't remember to address something I'd chosen. Somehow when I went to evalutate my 'progress' in habit changing, I never thought of all that healing/changing, etc *rueful laugh* Thanks for sharing!
Wonderful post, Serena!! I try to do this all the time. I think it goes back to when I was coming to the end of a really bad marriage. I trained myself to find joy, to look for positive things, no matter how small they were. Now, it's like a habit...every time something starts to go wrong or I'm feeling down about something, my brain almost automatically goes to the good things going on around me.
@NancyBeck It's ingrained! I'll bet if you think about that day, yes, you forgot the milk, but I bet you did more good things that day than just forget the milk! I can't tell you the number of times I've forgotten something similar and yes, we beat ourselves up! Eek! (us with ourselves!) @bcgal00 Rae, this is horrible, but somewhere I just saw the quote "When life hands you lemons, use them to squirt the bad people in the eyes." I admit, I'm horrible.. I laughed!!! And then told my daughter who has more sarcasm than I, which I never thought was possible.. Sarcasm is my first language! She's more fluent. hehe. But I'm SUPER glad that you have them acknowledge that! People always told me "you shouldn't feel depressed, you shouldn't feel anger, you should only focus on the positive." but telling me to stop crying, telling me NOT to feel a certain way did NOT make me feel better. I tell the kids they're allowed to feel how they feel, it's not wrong. Feel that way, accept it, but then look at all the other aspects, don't let it control you. I'm glad to see there's someone else who employs this as well! @Mylinn I spent MANY a year in Texas, was raised there pretty much, oh yeah. Us Southerners are REALLY good at that. We'll have a sugar with a side of Tea, extra guilt please. (pleeeeeease, people say "would you like some sweet tea?" and I sip and look at them like they're insane. You call THIS sweet? Whaaaaaaaat? And at least the part of my family I know is English so when I hear the "one lump or two" from English people, my Texas roots kick in and I'm like "uh.. twelve, please. Yes, I realize it's a tiny tea cup, stop talking and put the blocks in my cup, don't worry, it'll fit. Thank you." And THANK YOU for that list idea. I'm going to incorporate that into my workings. I have not thought of that one! I'm hoping that you're doing well with it! Keep shining! @IntenseMagic I'm SO glad you're out of that!! AND I'm super glad that you did that and got into the habit. I didn't start as early as I should have. And unfortunately some days I still forget! Thank you guys for being SUPER awesome!! All of you! You're definitely one of the positives in my list!
Serena, You are my favorite person right now! The last two days had been so stressed out and all I have been doing was playing the "I should have" game. I was super miserable and I love this idea and I am going to apply it.
I should have picked those things up I told my teenager I would. I didn't. BUT. I DID get dressed up and braved going into my son's school for his play that he was in the choir for. I didn't manage to get my goal done today of claims that I wanted to do, but I DID reach the minimum goal, and I DID manage to take care of dinner, I DID take care of the kids, I DID help my son with his homework and showed him how easy it could be done without doing it for him. And I DID get to spend time and talk to those I care about who mean a lot to me. So despite all the things that didn't happen today or that aren't going exactly as I'd hoped. Today is a win. ^.^
This seems to be a universal issue - all that mother/woman guilt. Just the weight of responsibility, I find I get anxiuos about little things - plan a three week holiday - no drama - trying to book a hairdressers appointment - nope, just incapable of action. I'm glad you felt happy at the end of the day Serena - that's all we should be asking of ourselves. xx
The struggle is real!! Especially when it comes to body-shaming MYSELF out loud because I have two young girls who hear what I'm saying and I don't want them thinking there is something wrong with their bodies at 9.5 and 4.5.
I really needed this today. We've had a few rough days with lack of sleep (thanks kids) and school holidays here, so both of them together ALL THE TIME (yikes!). Plus the start of some rainy weather, that takes away a lot of activities to keep them busy. Add to that all the extra cleaning and stuff because they are both home. Plus my guilt when I am doing something I want to do (scrapping, gaming, taking a shower) when I feel like I should be doing the rest of it. It has just been very stressful and full of yelling and frustration and basically wanting to curl up in a ball and block everything out. The only thing that snapped me out of my bad mood was my little boy last night. I was holding his hand while he fell asleep and he rolled over with a big smile and said, "Mama, you happy?" and that made me suddenly happy and everything lifted. NOT a lot of positives being thought of here, it's a whole negative!! But I am going to try this, and try it with the kids too, the older one at least.
@KarenW I hope your holiday went well!! If it's coming up, don't worry if there's any drama, I don't truly think there is such thing as NO drama vacations.. ever. That's not a negative thing, it's just life, but we do our best to minimize that. If anything goes wrong or people break down, just take a deep breath and catalogue everything that DOES go right. All the laughter, all the smiles, all the things that went perfect. Keep those like cards up your sleeves and when you need a moment, whip out that ace and stare at it. Personally, everything that happens on a trip, both good and bad, end up making the trip what it is. A bus in Korea that I was on broke down, I was freaking out because I didn't know how to get where I needed to be other than that bus.. everyone else was just calling taxi's or getting on the next bus that came by because they knew how to transfer to where they needed to go. I calmed myself, orientated myself to where I needed to go and started walking. I ended up at this amazing restaurant because I was hungry and it was still too far away from my place. It was AMAZING and I really enjoyed that moment. Something positive out of something negative, I'm almost grateful that bus broke down now. So keep smiling! Even "bad" things that happen create a memory that you'll probably end up laughing over later. ^.^ @bbymks5 OMG Minnie!! I do the same thing!!! And I've had to seriously reign it in. I was pregnant with Bella and then when she was six months old, I got pregnant with Jace. So technically, I was pregnant for "two years" ish. I had gained a LOT of weight. I was freaking out. Did a bunch of stuff, got back down to a decent weight. Then got this headache issue and being literally unable to exercise like I used to and do things, I went back up in weight. This led me to a LOT of complaining and calling myself things I shouldn't. I realized it when my then 7 year old started saying "Yeah, I am too." it was a serious reality check for me. BUT! We can do it! and we WILL! ^.^ @Dalis I'm glad things are better and I'm REALLY glad that I got to meet you!! I bet your blue hair is still ROCKIN' too! @Chippi Lack of sleep and stress are actually WORSE than the flu and any other sickness, but most people don't think of it as something serious. So do NOT feel bad if you skip cleaning up just a little to do something like gaming/scrapping and whatnot. Keeping yourself emotionally better is ten times better than keeping a spotless house but being grumpy! I had to learn that the hard way. I found out that I could clean and get stuff done, but I was NOT pleasant to be around, the kids weren't happy, I wasn't happy and things just generally weren't that great. Then I'd play a little of whatever game is the one of the season and then end up being so cheerful the kids were laughing and I'd get a little cleaning done at a time. Donna Reed and Martha Stewart would faint if they came into my house and I'm SUPER glad all my family lives in a different state, but my kids are happy, I'm up for tickling them at any time and my house would still pass a general health inspection. I loooove that he said that, it just makes your heart glow, doesn't it? What a sweetheart and that's so cool that you were there with him! I'm there with you on the yelling and frustration thing, unfortunately, I don't remember my "math" equation sometimes and I end up there too, slamming doors and other things. I was telling a friend the other day, think of the positives like penny size, they're little points of light.. the negatives are half dollar sizes.. they EASILY drown out our pennies. Now, if we FOCUS on the pennies, the lights get brighter and suddenly we can see around all those half dollars, but the half dollars add up FAST and can block out our lights. It weighs us down quickly and it's really hard to remember those pennies are out there. Deep breath! The holidays will be over, the kids will grow and settle down and the weather will be what you like! IF it keeps raining, I found that it's best to take a bunch of blankets out to the couch, put some of the dining room chairs up and make a little blanket fort. Then we'd either read, watch movies, or just be silly while it rained. My 9 year old is autistic (they all are, but the teenager is high functioning and the middle child.. well.. she just had a speech delay I'm thinking because she's in regular classes now fully and doing fine.. the teenager still requires a little help, but my nine year old is very much in the spectrum still) and loud noises, the sensation of the shower on his skin, things like that make him very much antsy and easily startled. When the thunderstorms would get bad, we'd make little tents (sometimes we do it in their bunkbeds too) and "hide" from it there, counting how far out it was and laughing by seeing who could make the silliest face when the thunder came. The rain can be hard on us as mommie's because we have to figure out other things, but we can still make it fun! Color books, do you like to bake? Movie time.. kid friendly games.. you can even play hide and seek with them and who says you have to IMMEDIATELY look for them when they hide? >.> lol!!! Hang in there, I'm sending positive vibes your way!
I TOTALLY want to see when you do!!! I had my hair black and purple once, then added blue so it was black, blue and purple. I loooooved it. I still have a photo somewhere, I'll have to try and find it to show you! ETA: Here you go! I don't know where the one where both my blue and purple are in there, but here's this one at least for now. http://imgur.com/80B2U0b
I was rather addicted to it, but my health got worse and it was just hard to maintain. I'm straight black again for now with a bit of blonde tips and a bang thing. It was SUPPOSED to be blue and purple but after the highlighting, I just didn't get around to it and I realized right now it's just best this way. Also, GOOD LUCK on your detox thing, I know you can do it!!
I just went to Target and Easter candy was 70% OFF! I bought some malted eggs for Friday's Wine Friday, which I am not planning to touch. I also got a Reese's bunny with a BEST BY date of DECEMBER. I am hoping to open that sucker somewhere in FALL. LOL!!!!! And my nemesis marshmallow chicks and bunnies that have a BEST BY date of NOVEMBER. I know I can do this! (Ok, I know I should be able to do this... LOL!!!!)
This is the perfect time (and perfect thread) for this: 1 negative: I can't drive. 2 positives: I can't just go get Easter candy on clearance because I would have NO self control with those Reeces eggs.. I can barely control myself with the jellybeans I've been carefully hoarding. Positive #2: It's made me REALLY good at hoarding and making things last!!! LOL!!!!
